Where I've Been | Honestly, I've Not Been Too Good

Bare with me as getting something so messy from inside to outside your head, cohesively into a string of words, is kind of difficult and I don't know where to start.

Hello lovely person reading this post. Whether you're a long-time follower of my personal slice of life on the internet or just bobbing by I just want to share out there what's been going on with me. Both because it feels good to share these things with my blog readers and friends and because I really value honesty, and talking openly about our wellbeing.

So recently you may have noticed I haven't been churning out the blog posts. I've been both uninspired and detesting and scrutinizing both my Instagram feed and blog feed. That lack of motivation however hasn't come from a lull for my passions. I've been feeling really low. I have been for quite some time now, and it's longer than months. This latter half of the year, it's really reached some ironic peak of an all-time low. It's left me both feeling very lost and simmering-ly anxious. Before taking a path in life a few years ago I was already aware that this bout of deep and dark depression was most likely going to occur however I took the risk because I never ever did and never ever want to give up on my dreams. But at its lowest point it has been, I can finally say it with honesty, I have now completely and utterly lost me. There's no real sparkle to Ellie anymore, there's no Ellie behind the Ellie and I really don't know when I will ever really get my sparkle back.

A few things correlate to this stressful time that I've needed to conquer and they haven't come without the pressure. This constant pressure I've tried to resiliently manage however has left me with the lowest confidence I've ever had in my life, self-esteem the size of an ant and a large dose of constant, unhealthy, negative self-loathing. Although I'm actually pretty good at challenging my thoughts now rationally and positively (thanks to the very grateful help of much fabulous support with my long lost friend anxiety) the rollercoaster of my low emotions to positive thinking has just become a swift and sickly up and down ride. I often, what feels like, am reminded of how useless I am at all things in life every day, from being able to wake up at a certain time of morning to performing skills in university. I truly do believe (this sounds odd and this is not a call for sympathy but this really is what I'm in full belief of) that I am stupid, slow, very slow at learning, rubbish, unintelligent and just poor at everything. Words I would never imagine in any essence of another being! Apart from myself however and after so long of being reminded how rubbish I am at absolutely everything in life I really have succumb to the fact that I am truly not good at anything. I have no niche, no thing that's "my thing" that I'm good at, just simply good at nothing. And it's left me feeling on an increasing basis that I'm wasting the oxygen for everyone else to breath. In a sense, I feel like a fraud of a human being.

I'm managing to get by but it's this feeling of being a "fraud of a human" for being good at nothing that is leaving me uninspired, unaware of the true feelings of happiness and completely and utterly lost.

To counteract these thoughts and times positively however I did have a good Summer at university despite being in for most of the warmer season and, like everyone else, becoming very much burnt out and exhausted. I was truly blessed and grateful to explore and taste lots of areas I still have a spark of passion left for (that hasn't been swallowed up by my companion-like cloud of depression). For that I was truly, truly grateful and had such a good time. My self-loathing thoughts and feelings and non-existent confidence and self-belief however did often give me bouts of anxiousness throughout this time, blessedly though not as much as in previous chapters. Combined with the exhaustion however I was wiped out. Also contributing to my very much sodden inspiration and foggy thoughts of what natural happiness and socialising without overthinking and awkwardness really feels like.

On the topic of socialising that is an area that has become very much battered by this nightmare of a journey. Although unbeknown to me if these are the causes of my personal socialising downfall, I believe my criticality of my communication and relationship curating skills I've been developing for my career and some pretty hard-hitting, painful and lonely situations I've experienced in recent years have led me into a deep habit of overthinking and social awkwardness. I've never been a "club goer", big drinker or popular person. I still like to party but with those who I felt comfortable celebrating with I lost touch with and found myself in pretty lonely place. Although some friendships rekindled and more truer ones came, with the added requirement for immense hard work and strictness from my GCSEs to university for my career I really missed out on the whole "being young" and "going out" phase. So, combining this with my constant over thinking, analysing and social awkwardness I've not only found it incredibly hard to make friends but incredibly hard to be relaxed, natural and easy going in social situations. What makes me anxious and low however is not my capacity of friends; I have a handful of some of the most beautiful and truest friends you could ever be blessed with. It's the natural happiness of just engaging, for enjoyment, in conversations with others without overthinking everything that I miss so desperate. To be able to talk with someone or a group of individuals just mindfully and not be thinking "oh balls what can I say that is relevant and current" or "oh no that was too sad or too weird and now everyone is uncomfortable". And for this, after years and years of its developing presence in my life, despite having the most amazing friends and family I speak to regularly, I feel so utterly detached and lonely because I simply can't hold normal and enjoyable, non-serious conversations with people for fun. I don't know how to go to town and act "cool" or the "right way". I just want to connect with others, my friends, I just want to feel that natural social connection again rather than have been moulded into this robot of expertise in holding professional and serious conversations.

Future-wise however things are looking better in general. I'm still having quite low times though (take the other day for example. A practical session in uni, which left me for a tea party with embarrassment and self-confidence in the drain). Looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, although close now, I still have a few stressful things to conquer. 

So,

- Firstly, my apologies for my absence, utter lack of inspiration and my dire blog and Instagram feed.

- Secondly, with my resilient planning and positive thinking I am feeling a little more sprinkle of sparkle in my blogging juice and am looking to gradually wean myself back to blogging business. Only though with a full heart! Never half-heartedly.

- And thirdly, please if there is anyone out their going through a difficult time too, I'm stretching my hand out to you to say, "you're not alone and I feel how scary this is. If I can be of any help, I'll always be here with an ear and a heart. You're doing amazingly and you likely won't believe that but I can assure you, you are. I'm nowhere near out of this confusing, dark and lonely place at the moment but I still know, that despite that, this won't be forever". <3

If it's of any help to anyone or if it makes anyone feel a little less lonely, let me know if you'd like me to keep you updated on how I'm doing. And feel free to let me know how you are doing too, whether that be in the comments below or a means that feels best comfortable for you in your heart. <3

Enjoy the leaves and all the colours and wishing you a cosy Autumn.

Ellie Xx